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Sunday, December 17, 2006

"Don't tell Santa about the Turkey Vent"

"Don't tell Santa about the Turkey Vent," my 4-year old "Princess" whispered to my 2-year old "Stitch." "Good idea," I added with a very stern eyebrow-raise.

Do you know how closely your kids watch and imitate everything you do? It kind of sneaks up on you. Remember when you didn't have to spell out words to your wife when you were having a conversation. "Should we go o-u-t and have p-o-p-s-c-i-c-l-e-s?" Now you have to watch what you say and do. "Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?" "What's 'sex' daddy?" Oops.

Now, back to the Turkey Vent.

You see, my dad and I took a week-long vacation to visit the Eastern battlefields of the Civil War (Gettysburg and Antietem are must-sees by the way). On our trip my dad taught me about the Turkey Vent. Basically, it's his version of flipping someone off. And the beauty of it is - the person doesn't know he's being flipped off!

To do it (and DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS - SEE BELOW!) just cup your hand with your thumb lightly touching the pad of your index finger and gently tap it back and forth.

Frankly it looks a little gay.

Of course when you add the angry expression on your face, the driver in the car who just cut you off gets the idea that you are none to pleased with his driving. But he is also a bit confused by it too which is good because you never know who in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains has a gun!

Needless to say, I was quite amused by this Turkey Vent. I began telling several of my friends about it. They didn't think it was nearly as funny as I thought it was. But my daughters did. My Princess was watching me demonstrate the Turkey Vent one day and then started doing it herself.

At first I was amused. Then my wife saw her do it.

I was not amused anymore.

Then my Princess added one more level. She says, "Uh-oh." I say, "What is it, honey?" And she says, "Turkey Vent! Turkey Vent!" and starts doing the Turkey Vent. Then Stitch starts doing it and they begin running around the house singing, "Turkey Vent! Turkey Vent!"

I'm in trouble because the more irritated I get the more they do it - duh!

Now I have managed to convince them through threat of life and limb, and no presents from Santa Clause, that they can only do the Turkey Vent around us and Grandpa.

At least they're not running around the neighborhood flipping the bird and singing "F--- You! F--- You!"


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